🎵 Believe it or not, Hugh isn't at home 🎵 🎷 Please leave a message at the beep 🎷 🎶 I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone 🎶 🎺 Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home! 🎺
[ She doesn't particularly want to make this call, but... needs must. ]
How is your number on my contact list.
[ There's no true name attached to his number — only the grammatically suspect "mall meet cute <3 <3 <3" — but she has a feeling she knows whose voice she'll hear. ]
[Oh hey, it's that lady! Like he would ever forget that haunting growl as she audibly threatened him and physically had her hand inside his chest cavity.
And to think he'd be in a real jam if there wasn't a voice asking that question, considering how many phones mysteriously have his number in them.]
Uhh, funny you should ask! If you didn't feel an intimate mutual connection, then it's because of a weird, inexplicable cosmic event completely outside of my control.
[The long suffering sigh of an almost-millennial.]
Okay, boomer, it's pretty self-explanatory. Cuties meeting at a mall? Remember that? 'Course you do, it's all I've been thinking about. Hello! That's us. We're the cuties. You and me. Two... two cuties. You can't see it, but I'm entwining two of my fingers together. Like this.
[He holds up a hooked index finger and middle finger together up to the phone. She can definitely sense it.]
[ Inexplicable indeed. When her children would come up with hitherto unforeseen language, she could at least see that they had developed the terms among themselves and their peers. They did not use such language with her, knowing that she was not privy. Meanwhile, Wade appears to be a fully developed adult... and yet his communication skills are as such. ]
I can't confess to ever being described as "cute." But I suppose there is something precious about a man scampering off with his tail between his legs.
[ Or... no longer between his legs, as happens to be the case. ]
You seem enamored with our encounter. Or is this normal behavior for you?
[Wow, it's like a universal "trash on Wade's social speaking skills" week. Ugh, Cable would probably love her.]
I mean, you were a kid once, right? Or were you like, a really creepy Wednesday Addams-looking minion? [He's not picturing that right now. Totally.] Also, that was not my tail. That was part of my intestinal tract.
[It was hard to hold all of them.]
Okay, which part? Being into scary clown women or getting disemboweled? I feel like both have happened more than once.
[ He's saying everything and nothing all at once. Fascinating. Less than a minute has passed and she's already remembering how soothing it was to be clawing around his insides. ]
The former. [ The latter doesn't surprise her at all. ] Though I hope you'll care to explain how I've come to give you an impression of buffoonery.
Whoa, getting some vague narc vibes now. Not that that's a turn-off, I'm just sayin'. It's like the way you laugh when a cheetah bumrushes a gazelle and they katamari roll for like, fourteen yards before the gazelle breaks its neck and becomes lunch. You know those videos of alligators fighting hippos? It's kind of like that.
[ You know what, she does get "animals murdering each other," which happens to be a topic of interest to her. Maybe Wade can hear it in her voice, the mild lift of pleasure as if meeting another obscure hobbyist out in the wild. ]
Ah. I understand completely. Certain acts of violence do reach a level of spectacle that becomes entertainment. As a child, I often passed the time by watching animals hunt and quarrel for territory.
[ Those were like. Spiders and birds and stuff, but to a baby child with murder on the mind, they were impressive creatures indeed. ]
While your diction leaves much to be desired, I suppose I'll take the compliment.
[God, she's so hot. And dark. Giving Cable a real run for his DC money.]
Like... like squirrels? [You know, she's edging towards sociopath vibes, but she didn't say she was the one hunting them, so he might be totally safe. (Not saying that being a complete sociopath is a turn-off, it just. Bears some thinking about. You know.)]
But yeah, totally. Just like that. You know, one time I watched some polar bears fight over one of my legs. Hah! Now that was spectacle.
[And maybe not the best for the polar bears' stomachs. Sorry, lads.] So this means you won't say no to meeting up for, I dunno, yogurt and violence sometimes? Purely platonic, of course.
[ However, context is for the weak. According to his random polar bear story, Wade evidently agrees. ]
Frankly, Wade, my attraction toward you is at a stunning deficit. And given the quality of the substance you were consuming when we first met, I would have to bear suspicion toward any yogurt of your choosing. If you can accept that I currently have no interest in either your loins or your yogurt, then perhaps an arrangement could be made.
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voice;
How is your number on my contact list.
[ There's no true name attached to his number — only the grammatically suspect "mall meet cute <3 <3 <3" — but she has a feeling she knows whose voice she'll hear. ]
voice;
And to think he'd be in a real jam if there wasn't a voice asking that question, considering how many phones mysteriously have his number in them.]
Uhh, funny you should ask! If you didn't feel an intimate mutual connection, then it's because of a weird, inexplicable cosmic event completely outside of my control.
no subject
Of course. And would this weird, inexplicable cosmic event care to explain what is meant by "mall meet cute?"
[ It is barely language. ]
no subject
Okay, boomer, it's pretty self-explanatory. Cuties meeting at a mall? Remember that? 'Course you do, it's all I've been thinking about. Hello! That's us. We're the cuties. You and me. Two... two cuties. You can't see it, but I'm entwining two of my fingers together. Like this.
[He holds up a hooked index finger and middle finger together up to the phone. She can definitely sense it.]
no subject
I can't confess to ever being described as "cute." But I suppose there is something precious about a man scampering off with his tail between his legs.
[ Or... no longer between his legs, as happens to be the case. ]
You seem enamored with our encounter. Or is this normal behavior for you?
no subject
I mean, you were a kid once, right? Or were you like, a really creepy Wednesday Addams-looking minion? [He's not picturing that right now. Totally.] Also, that was not my tail. That was part of my intestinal tract.
[It was hard to hold all of them.]
Okay, which part? Being into scary clown women or getting disemboweled? I feel like both have happened more than once.
no subject
The former. [ The latter doesn't surprise her at all. ] Though I hope you'll care to explain how I've come to give you an impression of buffoonery.
[ Knave? Whatever. Clown?? Outrageous. ]
no subject
[Aah. Well. She asked for it.]
You have the demeanor of someone who would give me a good laugh. I didn't say you were a bad clown. At least Barnum & Bailey level.
no subject
I must confess, that's a new one. Do elaborate.
[ Technically, there were multiple "new ones," but she couldn't give a whit about Barnum or Bailey. ]
no subject
[That doesn't really explain anything.]
no subject
Ah. I understand completely. Certain acts of violence do reach a level of spectacle that becomes entertainment. As a child, I often passed the time by watching animals hunt and quarrel for territory.
[ Those were like. Spiders and birds and stuff, but to a baby child with murder on the mind, they were impressive creatures indeed. ]
While your diction leaves much to be desired, I suppose I'll take the compliment.
no subject
Like... like squirrels? [You know, she's edging towards sociopath vibes, but she didn't say she was the one hunting them, so he might be totally safe. (Not saying that being a complete sociopath is a turn-off, it just. Bears some thinking about. You know.)]
But yeah, totally. Just like that. You know, one time I watched some polar bears fight over one of my legs. Hah! Now that was spectacle.
[And maybe not the best for the polar bears' stomachs. Sorry, lads.] So this means you won't say no to meeting up for, I dunno, yogurt and violence sometimes? Purely platonic, of course.
[She's gotta keep that shape somehow.]
Unless...?
no subject
I did happen to enjoy the squirrels.
[ However, context is for the weak. According to his random polar bear story, Wade evidently agrees. ]
Frankly, Wade, my attraction toward you is at a stunning deficit. And given the quality of the substance you were consuming when we first met, I would have to bear suspicion toward any yogurt of your choosing. If you can accept that I currently have no interest in either your loins or your yogurt, then perhaps an arrangement could be made.
I had to do it
2/2
[Believe him, someone's lack of total interest in his loins or his yogurt (heh) has never stopped him.]
no subject
It so happens that I haven't. Fajitas, then. Take care that they do not disappoint.
[ Will she regret this? Possibly. But she isn't one to cut off a potentially useful connection without good reason...... ]
no subject